How to Take Criticism Without Getting Defensive

 

It's a key career skill, yet most of us have little experience at putting negative feedback to work for us. Plus, a reader survey: If you own a small business, will you leave it to your kids? Why or why not?

 

Oct 05 2004

By Anne Fisher

Fortune.com

 

Dear Annie:

 

In a couple of your recent columns, you've mentioned the importance of accepting constructive criticism (from mentors and bosses, or even peers) without flipping out about it, getting defensive or argumentative, for instance. My problem is, all my life I've had a hard time taking criticism from anyone, and I have a sense that this is starting to damage my career. It doesn't help that my current boss always has something negative to say to everyone, so we never know how much weight to give his opinions. Do you have any tips on how to get better at putting criticism to good use?

 

Hackles Up

 

Dear H.U.:

          I'm glad you asked, because I think you've got plenty of company. According to Jan B. King (http://www.janbking.com), a former publishing-company CEO turned executive coach and author: "Accountability is more a buzzword than a reality at most companies. The long-term trend in society of trying to protect people's self-esteem" yes, she is from California, based in L.A. "added to concern over costly lawsuits, has cut down on constructive criticism in the workplace over the past 30 years. So the average employee has no experience with it, and no idea how to put it to productive use." She has devised a six-step plan for getting the most benefit from negative feedback. See if these tips work for you.

 

1) First, work on changing your reaction to receiving feedback. "Listen to the messages you get from people close to you—your spouse, children, close friends, or other family members," King suggests. "Write them down and consider them food for thought." If certain messages seem to pop up repeatedly, try to analyze them objectively and come up with ideas on what you might do to change those perceptions.

2) When getting feedback from a boss or colleague, "listen without commenting, looking directly at the person," King says. "When they have finished, ask questions if you need clarification. Don't agree, don't deny, and don't rationalize." What if your boss is yelling at you? "We're rarely taught how to give feedback well, so you might get criticism from someone who's angry about something in the moment," she notes. "If it gets to the point of being abusive, ask to stop the discussion and have it again at another time when emotions have had a chance to cool off."

3) Recognize that, for many people, it takes courage to give honest feedback. Most people don't enjoy being the bearer of bad news, so someone who is willing to be frank with you about your shortcomings most likely intends his or her comments as "a gift, intended to help you grow," says King. "Thank the giver for the feedback. Make it short, but something you can say sincerely, such as, 'You've really given me something to think about, thanks.' "

4) Immediately write down all you can recall of the feedback. Then give yourself a couple of days to process the information. Watch what you do and say and how others respond to it. Was there a kernel of truth in the criticism? How can you change your behavior to respond to it?

5) When you know you're facing tough feedback—an evaluation that may address a recent mistake, for instance—plan something nice for yourself afterward, like dinner with friends, or a date to do something you're especially good at. "Although criticism is simply someone else's perception, it can shake up your feelings about yourself," King says—and that can make it harder to focus on what you need to change.

6) If you feel the need to vent to friends about the feedback, go ahead, but ask them not to react to the substance of it (since they may not be the most objective). Says King: "It would be normal to want to invalidate criticism, and get others to back you up, but you could lose what may be a critical grain of truth if you do."

 

          The most essential thing to remember about all criticism is that "it is one opinion coming from another individual's unique perspective," King says. "It's up to you to do something positive with it. It's impossible for us to see ourselves as others see us, but very important not to allow those blind spots to jeopardize wonderful opportunities." Readers, what say you? Has constructive criticism—however unwelcome at the time—ever given your career a needed boost? Tell me about it!

Send questions to askannie@fortunemail.com.

 

From:   Ask Annie <annieadm@TIMEINC.NET>