Loved and Lost? It's O.K., Especially if You Win

Loved and Lost?
It's O.K., Especially if You Win
By Veronica Chambers

Published: February 19, 2006
The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/02/19/fashion/19love.html

DATING for me was always like that video game: you try to follow the
dance moves, and the further you get in the game, the trickier the
moves become, until you are just a flailing mess. I was clingy and
desperate and wore my heart on my sleeve, falling madly in love
repeatedly, only to meet with heartbreaking rejection at every turn.

Which is why it is nothing short of a miracle that two years ago I was
swiftly and happily married.

Until then I was a case study in "He's Just Not That Into You," or so
I've been told. I haven't read that book: friends warned me that it
would trigger too many unpleasant memories. Apparently it is all about
women like me: women who wear blinders about the men in their lives,
who come on too strong and fall in love with the wrong people over and
over.

I'm sure there are many of you out there. And if you're one of us,
here's what I have to tell you, what I wish someone at some point had
told me: It's O.K.

It's O.K. to fall deeply for one loser after another. It's O.K. to
show up at a guy's house with a dozen roses and declare your undying
affection. It's O.K. to have too much to drink and call your ex 20
times and then to be mortally embarrassed when you realize your number
must have shown up on his caller ID. It's O.K. to stand at a phone
booth in Times Square on New Year's Eve, drenched like a sewer cat in
the pouring rain, crying your eyes out because the man you are
infatuated with has decided that he needs some space.

It's O.K. because I believe that all of these grand gestures and
heroic attempts to follow E. M. Forster's simple advice to "only
connect" are not really about this guy or that guy. Making a fool of
yourself for love is ultimately about you, how much you have to give
and the distances you will travel to keep your heart wide open when
everything around you makes you feel like slamming it shut and
soldering it closed.

Not to digress into too much pop psychology, but I sometimes think
that I never had a chance at being one of those girls who could play
it cool. My parents' marriage was a soap opera saga of dramatic exits
and mind games and affairs. When I was little, my father would force
me to choose which parent I loved more. If I chose my mother, he would
react with fury. If I chose him, he would smother me with hugs and
kisses, luxuriating in his victory, then promise to come back for me
soon.

Soon could mean two days or two weeks or two months. I learned early
on that love meant never having to follow through on your promises.

My mother, bless her heart, tried to keep me from becoming a desperate
girl with a daddy complex. In seventh grade I got my first boyfriend:
one very handsome junior high school star athlete named Chuck Douglas.
We went to different schools, so our relationship consisted of long,
meandering phone calls, most of which were initiated by me.

One day, when my mother could not reach me after school for three
hours straight, she came home early with the intention of beating some
sense into me. When she found me sprawled underneath the dining table,
the phone cord wrapped like a bracelet (or a handcuff) around my arm,
she took pity. She led me into her bedroom and asked me how often I
called Chuck.

"All the time."

"And how often does he call you?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"You can't chase boys," she said. "They don't like it."

I was 13. Chuck Douglas was dating me, a certified nerd, in a sea of
buxom cheerleaders. My mother's words meant nothing. I was already
lost to the cause.

In college I discovered women's studies and somehow managed to wrap
the words of Gloria Steinem and Angela Davis neatly around my now
well-solidified boy craziness. "I'm a feminist," I declared. "I don't
need to wait for a man to ask me out."

So I asked out guy after guy after guy: the very epitome of he's just
not that into you. I dated numerous gay men who were not yet out of
the closet. It became a kind of service after a while, coaching
ex-boyfriends out of the closet. I went out with a techno D.J. who
invited me to go sailing with his parents. I hated his taste in music,
and he was a terrible kisser, but I still cried a week later when he
dumped me.

IN my 20's I had two long-term relationships that nevertheless ended,
and I found myself back out in the wilds of the dating world. At this
time the hot self-help dating book was "The Rules." There were many
rules that were supposed to help you lasso a man, but the one I
remember said that you should never accept a date for Saturday after
Thursday.

"The Rules" reminded me of that conversation I had with my mother
about the swoon-worthy Chuck Douglas. I understood that the rules were
good for me, but so is tofu, and I just can't stand the stuff.

My friend Cassandra insisted that men are like lions; they want to
chase their prey. She suggested that I smile at a guy I was interested
in instead of barreling him over with conversation. "See what he
does," she said. "If you're feeling playful, then maybe give him a
little wink."

Soon after, I was invited by a friend to take a trip to South Africa.
One enchanted morning my friend and I were having breakfast in the
hotel restaurant. Across the room I spied a charming man with the kind
of friendly face that you feel you have known forever. Leaving the
restaurant, I stood up and saw that he was looking my way. I smiled.
He smiled back. Feeling bold, I winked, then tripped on a step and
fell on my face.

The next few minutes were dizzying as I was surrounded by hotel staff
offering me ice and bandages. Then I heard a voice amid the cacophony;
it was the man I had winked at. I turned away, mortified.

"You should see a doctor," he said.

I insisted that I was fine.

"Well, let me be the judge of that, because I happen to be a doctor."

He took me out to dinner that night and every night for the rest of my
trip. We exchanged phone numbers and even though I lived in New York
and he lived in Sydney, Australia, I called and called him because I
was so sure that what I felt for this man was, if not love, then
certainly magic.

It wasn't. To give the guy a little credit, we lived continents apart.
Even if he was that into me, it would've been a hard row to hoe.

It was about this time, when I was in my late 20's, that I read a
nugget of advice, probably in a women's magazine, that I took to
heart. This article suggested that if you knew you were going to meet
the love of your life in one year, you would really enjoy this year.
This seemed reasonable.

So while I still tended to wear my heart on my sleeve and to commit
too quickly, I also had some really fun one-off dates with guys I knew
were never going to call. I went to the theater and to hip-hop shows
and tried to relax about the whole dating and mating thing.

About a year later I met the man who would become my husband. The
friend who kept reintroducing us insisted that, unlike the vast
majority of men I was meeting in New York, Jason was a guy who could
hold his own. He was not a "Sex and the City" Mr. Big, a type I was
well acquainted with: the �ber-successful guy who keeps you at arm's
length. Nor was he a starving artist who was willing to fall in love
while nursing commitment issues about things like holding down a job
and paying bills.

Jason was a regular guy: he had a good job, owned a house, liked his
parents. Eight months after our first date he proposed.

SUDDENLY the role I had been playing my entire dating life was
reversed: I didn't want to get married. I'd never been angling for a
ring. What I had wanted all through my 20's was a really great
boyfriend: someone who called when he said he would, who would get up
early and go running with me over the Brooklyn Bridge and who would
jump at the chance at weekend getaways in the Berkshires.

I wanted someone with whom I could read the Sunday paper in bed, who
would sit next to me during foreign movies, who would bring me chicken
soup when I felt ill, who would send me flowers on Valentine's Day and
sometimes for no reason at all.

Jason said he wanted all the same things too. But to him the
relationship I described was marriage, not dating.

So I said yes.

Which is probably why after two years of holy matrimony I still make
the mistake of calling Jason my boyfriend. He is in every way the best
boyfriend I've ever had. No one ever told me that a really great
marriage can make up for two decades of horrible dating. No one ever
said that all those guys who were just not that into you can be, for
women, the psychological equivalent of notches on a bedpost.

I'm happy now that I dated the D.J., the doctor, the candlestick
maker. When I look back at those relationships, I can see that in the
midst of all the drama I managed to have a goodly amount of fun.

What would have happened if any of those relationships had lasted,
bumbling along in all their glaring wrongness? Instead of just being
dumped and consoling myself with pints of Chunky Monkey and viewings
of "Breakfast at Tiffany's," I could have been facing any one of these
men in divorce court, or being forced to see them every Saturday
afternoon, when we met to swap custody of our children or our cocker
spaniel.

Thankfully, all those men were just not that into me. They did me a
bigger favor than I could ever have known.

Veronica Chambers lives in France. This essay is adapted from "The May
Queen: Women on Life, Love, Work and Pulling It All Together in Your
30's," edited by Andrea N. Richesin, to be published by
Tarcher/Penguin in March.

====================
From: hazelmarie@gmail.com

Truths to remember

As a child of God, Prayer is like calling home every day.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be
still, so He can untangle the knot.

Do the math. Count your blessings.

God wants spiritual fruit not religious nuts.

Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.

Laugh every day; it's like inner jogging.

The most important things in your home are the people.

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

We do not remember days but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy
your precious moments.

Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The
goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn
from the turtle; it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your
character is what you really are. While your reputation is merely what
others think you are.

====================
From: greaper49@yahoo.com

God always answers prayer

====================
From: greaper49@yahoo.com

The Eagle Will Not Fly Without the Poor

"The Eagle Will Not Fly Without the Poor"
By Antonio P. Meloto, Gawad Kalinga
Ateneo de Manila University Commencement Exercises
25 March 2006

I asked some members of the senior class last week why they
chose me as their commencement speaker. I have no business empire. I
hold no political power. And I am no academic genius. I am just an
ordinary Filipino, a graduate of the Ateneo, who did not even excel as
a student… just an ordinary man who loves to tell stories about the
extraordinary things that people are doing for our country today.

And they told me--- because I represent a movement that
presents hope at this time when many in our country are in despair.
You are looking for hope in me, but I am here to tell you that this
school and the other members of this university have been a source of
hope and inspiration for me in the last three years.

When Father Ben Nebres and the Ateneo Board of Trustees
bestowed the Ozanam Award on Gawad Kalinga through me on July 23,
2003, they triggered A REVOLUTION OF HOPE in the Ateneo…sweeping the
Ateneo from grade school, high school, college, to the Alumni... then
leading the way for other universities, corporations, government
institutions and Filipino organizations abroad to follow their example
and joining the bandwagon for nation building. The Ateneo is showing
the world that "The eagle will not fly without the poor".

Thank you Father Ben for your great love for our country and
for inspiring the young to make a difference in the lives of our
people.

Caring for the poor and restoring the dignity of the
Filipino in his own country have now become an urgent mission for
Filipinos here and abroad. This is not just healing for our country's
poor and neglected but it is healing for me and many like me as well.

Unknown to most of you, for 32 years it wasn't easy for me
to return to Ateneo. I didn't come to the reunions and homecomings,
simply because of a sense of guilt of a person who grew up with the
suffering poor but later forgot them after I got an Ateneo education.
I was so focused on repackaging, and building up myself that I forgot
the accompanying responsibility that came with the privilege of an
Ateneo scholarship. I forgot the poor… I left them behind. I left them
like so many others before me.

There are many who blame the rich and powerful for the
plight of the poor. I know there is basis for the accusations but I
cannot bring myself to blame them. How could I expect them to love the
poor whom they do not know when I grew up poor and yet forgot to help
them, too.

I realized my great shortcoming as a Filipino in 1985 when I
joined Couples for Christ. It was then that I found my faith and grew
a conscience and decided to live a righteous life… to correct the
mistakes and the injustice committed to our country and to our people
by people like me. Couples for Christ taught me to repent for my sins
and to be genuinely sorry for the things I failed to do for my country
and for my people.

I am really sorry for the state of things, because of my
failure to do something about it. And many are now sorry, just like
myself because of this state of degradation… But feeling sorry is not
enough. Sorry does not restore beauty, sorry does not restore dignity,
sorry does not restore the plan of God for man. Sorry begins it, but
sorry is not enough.

What needs to be done is to bring sorry to action, to
convert regret to reform, to lift apathy to compassion and
development. We who have not done well by the talents and treasures we
have been gifted with, we who have abdicated our responsibility of
shepherding the poor and the young to their birthright of enjoying the
treasures of a beautiful and abundant country, we who have seen the
errors of our ways and are sorry --- we must now restore what we
destroyed… or allowed to be destroyed.

Because the Ateneo is a Christian university which believes
in the mission of forming students to become persons for others, the
principle of good over evil goes beyond the fundamental understanding
of right and wrong. It is not enough not to do wrong. To battle evil,
we must do good. The path of reform and transformation for Ateneans…
for Christians, must be one of peace. It must believe that good is
more powerful than evil, and only in the exercise of good can evil be
eliminated. Thus, the path of reform and transformation, personal and
social, must be a path of good works.

Build homes. Build communities. Build capacities. Restore
dignity. Restore abundance. Restore beauty. Restore peace. Build and
restore, build and restore.

And you did! The eagle has landed in Payatas. Because you
could not bring the poor of Payatas to Ateneo, you brought Ateneo to
the poor of Payatas. In this once desolate place, you restored
dignity, you have brought back hope!

The former squatters now have security in their land. You
transformed 200 shanties -- the slum and the garbage have now become a
beautiful middle class community. Crime has virtually disappeared.
Former streetchildren are now in school. The idle have been motivated
to find employment and are now living productive lives. Nawala ang
sindikato sa lupa, sa tubig, at sa ilaw. You have transformed hell
into a piece of heaven… all because you cared, you shared and you
learned to work together. The grade school worked with their parents,
the high school students gave up their parties… the college students
gave up their weekends. And the Alumni from all over the world also
helped.

I salute and honor the eagles of Payatas, especially Steph
Limuaco, former President of the Ateneo Student Council and now
full-time worker of Ateneo for Gawad Kalinga, students, parents, the
caretaker team from CFC and Mayor Sonny Belmonte who not only paved
the way for the poor to own the land in Payatas but also paved the
roads.

Again you performed the same miracle in Gabaldon!

The surviving flood victims who were once squatters living
in dangerous areas now have their own land in sites that have been
cleared as environmentally safe and their own sturdy homes. Now the
people are growing their own food and planting trees. Land for the
landless, homes for the homeless, food for the hungry… For this I
honor Mark Lawrence Cruz, the 300-strong Team Gabaldon and Mayor
Mandia. You washed away the mud of despair and brought out the gold in
the poor of Gabaldon.

Gabaldon is part of a massive rehabilitation and
reconstruction effort called Kalinga Luzon that goes beyond the usual
relief operations after the calamity. Malaki ang tulong dito ng 3
Atenista in helping 40,000 survivor families of the Luzon typhoons and
floods… Secretary of National Defense and NDCC Chairman Avelino
"Nonong" Cruz , Smart-PLDT Chairman Manny Pangilinan and former
Agriculture Secretary Cito Lorenzo.

This afternoon I invited the proud leaders of Payatas and
Gabaldon, together with the mayors of Cabiao, San Isidro, and Gen.
Tinio, Nueva Ecija who have also benefited from the help of Ateneo.
They are here to witness the graduation of a new breed of Ateneans and
Filipinos who not only have the brains but also the heart for our
country and our people.

The journey to rebuild our country is just beginning and
moving towards massive upscaling with the entry of corporations,
national government agencies, LGU's and Filipino organizations abroad.

Corporations too are searching for a deeper and better
_expression of corporate social responsibility. Rival corporations are
rising above business competition to help. P&G and Unilever, Jollibee
and McDonalds, Shell and Petron, Pfizer and Wyeth and Smart-PLDT… and
over a hundred others. Sabi ng Shell "Kung may layunin, malayo ang
inyong mararating". Sabi ng Smart "We're not just building homes,
we're building a nation". Both campaigns are inspired by the spirit of
Gawad Kalinga, the spirit of being a person for others – going beyond
conventional charity towards helping the poor become better stewards
of their families and their communities. Converting our human resource
from liability to asset, expanding the market base by empowering the
poor make good business sense!

This afternoon we have with us the country chairman of Shell
Philippines, Mr. Ed Chua, who is from La Salle and the president of
Pfizer, Mr. Gerry Bacarro, who is from Ateneo. Both are firm believers
of corporate social responsibility geared towards nation-building. It
is our hope that the stiff rivalry between Ateneo and La Salle in
basketball will be elevated to a higher level of nobility of building
the most number of houses and communities and educating the most
number of poor children.

My fellow Ateneans, when you leave this campus, many of you
will join these corporations and will be happy to note that they have
a keener sense of social responsibility and a work environment that
will nurture your idealism.

In the field of governance, more than 300 mayors and
governors have chosen the same path of nation-building. Hundreds more
will join this year and members of Congress are being inspired to do
the same. Many of you will be the future mayors, governors and members
of congress… and again will be happy to note that your predecessors
have begun the path of building and restoring our country.

Even Filipinos abroad have found a reason to hope and a way
to concretize their love for the motherland. Many have gone beyond
sending resources… they themselves are coming home to help build the
nation of their dreams… Bicolanos helping Bicol… The Ilonggos helping
Negros and Panay… the Cebuanos helping Cebu… And the Fil-Am doctors
are going beyond the usual medical mission and are building healthy
communities as a way of giving back to a country that they have never
stopped loving.

When you care for others, especially the weak and the
powerless, you will be amazed at how God will take care of you and the
people you love. Today I thank God for my wife and my five children
who have joined me in this mission to help restore this beautiful
land. This is the best legacy I can give them. I honor my son Jay, who
at 22, left his job and an exciting life of fast cars and beautiful
girls in L.A. to help the typhoon victims of Bicol… and my son-in-law
Dylan Wilk who left his country England, his family and friends, his
extravagant lifestyle - his Ferrari, his Porsche and BMW… in exchange
for the poor families in this country that he has learned to love and
care for.

And of course, the nameless and unrecognized workers and
heroes of other Ateneo initiatives like Pathways, Tulong Dunong,
Jesuit Volunteers of the Philippines, Leaders for Health and other
NGOs and cause-oriented groups who love this county… Today there are
tens of thousands of them… tomorrow there will be millions. Together
we will build a slum-free, squatter-free, crime-free Philippines.

And so in the same spirit of heroism, I urge you young
Ateneans to do the same. After you leave this campus, there is no
doubt that you will soar to great heights but it will all be
meaningless if you fly alone. The poor do not have strong wings like
you do and they need you to carry them, inspire them to discover their
own strength and greatness. Sana eto ang walang iwanan.

For the parents, as you have invested in the future of your
children by giving them the best education possible… support also your
children's desire to invest in the future of this country. They will
honor you even more if you value their aspirations for nobility and
their dreams for a better country that will be a source of pride for
them and their children.

As we go through this defining moment of Philippine history,
let us strive never to forget four things:

(1) Never stop hoping for our country.
(2) Don't stop caring for our people.
(3) Demand greatness of yourself as a Filipino.
(4) Inspire greatness in other Filipinos.

As you leave the campus to join the real world, let your
vision and the power that you have discovered to change the world,
define what is real to you.

Make your love for this country and our people, especially
the poor, your reality and your priority. Make it the foundation of
your career plans, your dreams and ambitions for your children and the
goal of any political or economic power that you have the privilege to
wield.

Wherever you are in the world, excel and prosper but remain
connected to the motherland and dedicate your success to the
fulfillment not just of your dreams but to the many in your country
who have lost their capacity to dream.

Do not be content in finding artificial security in gated
subdivisions when you can provide yourself a buffer of peace by caring
for the needy around you. Nor be content with living in first world
luxury in a third world environment and contributing to the discontent
and the growing threats around the security of your own family.

Give value to the land of your birth by sharing with those
who for generations have been deprived of its use and abundance. Be a
blessing to your children's future by making it your responsibility to
be father or mother to the abandoned and neglected.

Be the healing of the soul of this nation and the
fulfillment of the dream that we have forgotten.

Be the proud Filipino that we are not yet, but soon will be.

Be the hero who finds courage and the conviction that this
country is worth saving, because it is a gift from God and that your
life is meaningless if it is not dedicated to the fulfillment of a
divine destiny to be a great people.

Let me end this speech and send you off with a prayer.

Dear God, pour out your blessing upon our new graduates.
Guide them in their journey to greatness. Show your power and majesty
to this troubled and sinful nation through these young Filipinos who
will strive to live lives of righteousness and excellence. Make them
healers of our wounded people and restorers of our broken land. Anoint
them as the new generation of living heroes who will bring this
country to our destiny of greatness.

Mabuhay kayong mga bagong bayani ng bayan! Kayo ang bagong
lakas ng pagbabago! Kayo ang magandang mukha ng kinabukasan!

====================
From: Jun.Abenido@unilever.com

Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I
was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions
until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely
this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several
times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know
her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before
class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward
our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many
people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care,
even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing
on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing
rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man
stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled
1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and put
her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and
thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To
his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..

It read: "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other
night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits.
Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for
helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass
of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was
growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and
walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and
left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down
the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two
nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough
left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he
hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock.
Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and
simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping
the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of
the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon
approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to
move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and
straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load
of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder
had been. The purse con tained many gold coins and a note from the
King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the
boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never
understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to
know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious
disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived
the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and
asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his
sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and
saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion
progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all
did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale
and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I
start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought
he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to
save her.

====================
From: greaper49@yahoo.com